In This Week’s Mallard


Free Speech is dying on college campuses, and lots of college administrators apparently think that’s great! Wimpy schools, from Missouri to Dartmouth, are siding with conformity and censorship against independent thought and contending ideas, which are what universities used to say they were all about.

The Mainstream Media don’t seem to care, either; they do lots of stories about kids who feel “uncomfortable” hearing ideas that they disagree with, but very few about the way these kids bully and shut down other students, speakers and teachers with whom they disagree.

Here are a couple of links to websites that aren’t afraid to tell you the whole story:

Campus censorship right now is a terrifying threat to the future of our Republic, a form of government that requires an informed citizenry to stay alive. How long until “Free speech is the bedrock of a free society” is replaced with the Missouri communications professor’s rallying cry to rough-up a reporter, “Can we get some muscle over here?!”


Mallard SHAMED!!


On Wednesday, Mallard admits he was terribly wrong, and alert readers caught it!

But first: “Student Athlete” an Oxy-Moron?…this week, Mallard celebrates the start of the college-basketball season!

Also, he faces the grim reality of the passing years…his favorite bar is gentrifying before his very eyes.

And, as always, every comic strip is 100 percent gluten-free!


    Beginning Wednesday, Mallard puts his Mary Worth costume back on, to give more handy, helpful, gluten-free advice on Halloween costumes. (This is a figure of speech; Mallard practically never wears his Mary Worth costume, and that wasn’t him in that grainy video). 

Guest stars this week will include The Donald, The Hillary, some Swiss guy, PLUS, can you find Mallard’s favorite Viking costume? (It’s not who you’d think). (It’s not Adrian Peterson, either.) humanthumb


    This week in Mallard Fillmore, Mallard gives free, helpful advice on “Halloween costumes to avoid” !


    Restaurants have to provide those “nutrition facts” that nobody reads; I’m providing, coercion-free, a handy field guide to what NOT TO WEAR this Halloween, effortlessly spanning categories including the trite, the overly complicated, the too-scary and, of course, the ones that might offend the Habitually Offended Community.

And, yeah…there’s the obligatory Trump one…

It’s ZERO-TOLERANCE WEEK in Mallard Fillmore:

Remember when that seven-year-old got suspended for “biting his Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun” (The little hooligan claimed it was a “mountain,” but why take chances?) Or the little girl who got suspended for saying her magic ring could make her classmates invisible, like in Lord of the Rings? There were hundreds of such “Zero-Tolerance cases around the country the past few years.
And, as far was we know, the president couldn’t have cared less.
Suddenly, though, when there’s an ethnic and Muslim angle, President Obama CARES about the “Clock Kid” case, in which 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed apparently took apart an old digital clock, reassembled some of the parts, and brought the thing to school in a briefcase, giving the Pop-Tart Police some real red meat to work with.
POTUS, and most of the media, chastised the school in question for being racist and Islamophobic, and the prez even invited the kid to bring his clock to the White House.
We can only wonder what would’ve happened if the kid had shown up there uninvited, with his “science project”…

Blog Art Clock Kid

This week in Mallard Fillmore…

Psychic Update (in which I predict the contents of this week’s Mallard Fillmore strips!)
1. The issue NONE of the candidates has addressed? America’s bear-selfie problem. Bears are not taking selfies; people are taking selfies with wild bears. In the woods. But Mallard has it covered. Both he and The President of the United States will weigh in on the issue.

2. Hillary’s worst Halloween nightmare: The Horrifying RISE OF BERNIE in the polls…

“I Killed Martin Luther King”…

I can still remember exactly where I was, and what I was doing, when they told me that I killed Martin Luther King. I was in my house, watching our old black and white TV, and I was nine years old. A talking head looked me right in the eye and said that, while I may not have pulled the trigger, “we ALL killed Dr. King”. I didn’t know then that it was the first of thousands of times I’d hear that over the next forty-seven years.

“We ALL” didn’t. Not just we nine-year-olds didn’t, but all of the people, black and white, who supported his ideal of equality, didn’t. But not just them. People who didn’t support Dr. King’s ideas, disagreed with them, even people who were indifferent to them…they didn’t kill him , either.

James Earl Ray (and any accomplices he might have had) killed Martin Luther King, and to say otherwise trivializes his evil act.

But, to a lot of folks, especially in the media and the academy, it sounded wise, circumspect, gratifyingly contrite and, most importantly, in step with the Zeitgeist (cool), to indict an entire people, and “culture” for the evil of one man.

It was, as I saw it, the beginning of a polemical pattern that metastasized into a philosophy. As I went from the late ’Sixties into the ‘Seventies, everything began to be “society’s fault”, America’s fault, “Western Civilization’s fault,” and basically, anybody’s fault but the person or group who actually DID whatever it was that was done. Kids did drugs because of “societal pressure”, violent criminals, who’ve been committing violent crimes for thousands of years, suddenly killed old ladies and children through no fault of their own, but “because of our society”. Fathers who abandoned their children were simply obeying some sort of cultural imperative that society had thrust upon them.

When evil actions are everybody’s fault, they’re nobody’s fault. And, when we erase individual responsibility, as we’ve been desperately doing for all of these years, we make doing evil and doing good equally meaningless. Just random acts blowing in the wind of circumstance.

Dr. King would be the first to denounce such a “legacy”.

Pluto, redux

Pluto’s in the news again, because it may be reinstated as a full-fledged planet again. That’s great with me, nostalgia-wise. On the other hand, my fear is that the whole thing’s gonna be decided democratically; if enough people WANT Pluto to be a planet, then it’s a planet.


I’m speaking from experience, here; I was raised in the Age of Relativism. Most of my teachers’ mantras were themes and variations on, “nothing is either ‘better or worse’…everything is relative”. So, my generation, and those since, think EVERYTHING’S relative. Two plus two equals whatever I feel as though it should equal, so I should get an “A” in math. No nation’s government is really better or worse; thinking that is judgmental (the single most terrible thing to be, in 21st Century America). American students rank near the bottom in every academic category EXCEPT “how well they THINK they’re doing” academically.

The one thing students apparently DON’T think is relative? Grades. Just try giving one a “D,” and telling him or her, “no grade is really ‘better, or worse; everything is relative”…

And, how would I vote in the Pluto election? I say let’s make EVERYTHING OUT THERE a planet, so nothing feels left out. I got the idea from the system we use to hand out diplomas.

A Message to Fans As Mallard Fillmore Turns 20!

Mallard Fillmore first waddled on the comics scene on June 6, 1994, attracting the attention of many conservative newspapers, and even some liberal ones too.

I want to take this opportunity to say, “Thanks, Mallard fans!”

I can’t believe it was 20 years ago today that Mallard first appeared in newspapers all over the country. Most of the editors who took a chance on Mallard were worried that it would be “too controversial.” They didn’t “get it.” You did. You, loyal fans, who wrote and called your local papers to say you liked Mallard kept my little comic strip going, and have done so for 20 years now. 

As long as you still want me, I’ll keep my end of the bargain; to bring you the stuff you won’t often see in the rest of your paper, and stick up for you: the average hard-working, tax-paying, individual-liberties-loving Americans, who sometimes feel like they’re on the endangered species list.

Below is Mallard Fillmore’s origin story.

Thanks again. Here’s to the next 20 years …

“Holiday-Food” Cartoons

’Tis the season for me to get lots of hate mail for my right-wing, mean-spirited, bigoted, Neanderthal position on….food. Yeah. Some of my most controversial cartoons are, apparently, the ones in which I make fun of what passes for food around “The Holidays”.

My response to the aforementioned emails has been to do even more such cartoons. For years now, I’ve made an annual ritual of warning merrymakers about the dangers of pseudo-foods like prepackaged “stuffing”, canned “cranberry sauce” and anything that originates with the ubiquitous “can of cream-of-mushroom soup”.

The most common charge I get is that I’m an “elitist”, because of this. Only I could get tagged as a snob for preferring cheaper, more basic food over mass-produced, prepared stuff.

I’m not pushing “fancy food”, here. On the contrary, my holiday-food tastes are as retrograde as my politics: old-fashioned mashed potatoes made from actual potatoes, for instance, and things made from other perennial populist staples, like lard, and flour, and cut-up stale bread (for stuffing, or “dressing” as folks where I’m from call it).

So, while I’m bracing myself for yet another round of holiday vitriol from quickie-food fans, here’s an  incendiary food-toon from the past to hold you over…


And, since food is on the table, check out my, and 40-something other cartoonists’, food cartoons  in Marion Nestle’s new book, “Eat Drink Vote, an Illustrated Guide to Food Politics”, at these links: