In This Week’s Mallard



Free Speech is dying on college campuses, and lots of college administrators apparently think that’s great! Wimpy schools, from Missouri to Dartmouth, are siding with conformity and censorship against independent thought and contending ideas, which are what universities used to say they were all about.

The Mainstream Media don’t seem to care, either; they do lots of stories about kids who feel “uncomfortable” hearing ideas that they disagree with, but very few about the way these kids bully and shut down other students, speakers and teachers with whom they disagree.

Mallard SHAMED!!


On Wednesday, Mallard admits he was terribly wrong, and alert readers caught it!

But first: “Student Athlete” an Oxy-Moron?…this week, Mallard celebrates the start of the college-basketball season!

Also, he faces the grim reality of the passing years…his favorite bar is gentrifying before his very eyes.

And, as always, every comic strip is 100 percent gluten-free!


    Beginning Wednesday, Mallard puts his Mary Worth costume back on, to give more handy, helpful, gluten-free advice on Halloween costumes. (This is a figure of speech; Mallard practically never wears his Mary Worth costume, and that wasn’t him in that grainy video). 

Guest stars this week will include The Donald, The Hillary, some Swiss guy, PLUS, can you find Mallard’s favorite Viking costume? (It’s not who you’d think). (It’s not Adrian Peterson, either.) humanthumb


    This week in Mallard Fillmore, Mallard gives free, helpful advice on “Halloween costumes to avoid” !


    Restaurants have to provide those “nutrition facts” that nobody reads; I’m providing, coercion-free, a handy field guide to what NOT TO WEAR this Halloween, effortlessly spanning categories including the trite, the overly complicated, the too-scary and, of course, the ones that might offend the Habitually Offended Community.


It’s ZERO-TOLERANCE WEEK in Mallard Fillmore:

Remember when that seven-year-old got suspended for “biting his Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun” (The little hooligan claimed it was a “mountain,” but why take chances?) Or the little girl who got suspended for saying her magic ring could make her classmates invisible, like in Lord of the Rings? There were hundreds of such “Zero-Tolerance cases around the country the past few years.

This week in Mallard Fillmore…

Psychic Update (in which I predict the contents of this week’s Mallard Fillmore strips!)
1. The issue NONE of the candidates has addressed? America’s bear-selfie problem. Bears are not taking selfies; people are taking selfies with wild bears. In the woods. But Mallard has it covered. Both he and The President of the United States will weigh in on the issue.

“I Killed Martin Luther King”…

I can still remember exactly where I was, and what I was doing, when they told me that I killed Martin Luther King. I was in my house, watching our old black and white TV, and I was nine years old. A talking head looked me right in the eye and said that, while I may not have pulled the trigger, “we ALL killed Dr. King”. I didn’t know then that it was the first of thousands of times I’d hear that over the next forty-seven years.

Pluto, redux

Pluto’s in the news again, because it may be reinstated as a full-fledged planet again. That’s great with me, nostalgia-wise. On the other hand, my fear is that the whole thing’s gonna be decided democratically; if enough people WANT Pluto to be a planet, then it’s a planet.


I’m speaking from experience, here; I was raised in the Age of Relativism. Most of my teachers’ mantras were themes and variations on, “nothing is either ‘better or worse’…everything is relative”. So, my generation, and those since, think EVERYTHING’S relative. Two plus two equals whatever I feel as though it should equal, so I should get an “A” in math. No nation’s government is really better or worse; thinking that is judgmental (the single most terrible thing to be, in 21st Century America). American students rank near the bottom in every academic category EXCEPT “how well they THINK they’re doing” academically.

A Message to Fans As Mallard Fillmore Turns 20!

Mallard Fillmore first waddled on the comics scene on June 6, 1994, attracting the attention of many conservative newspapers, and even some liberal ones too.

I want to take this opportunity to say, “Thanks, Mallard fans!”

I can’t believe it was 20 years ago today that Mallard first appeared in newspapers all over the country. Most of the editors who took a chance on Mallard were worried that it would be “too controversial.” They didn’t “get it.” You did. You, loyal fans, who wrote and called your local papers to say you liked Mallard kept my little comic strip going, and have done so for 20 years now.